Surviving Bullies Project
Signs and Symptoms of Bullying
(The following is adapted from the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Health Resources & Services Administration website Stop Bullying Now.)
What is Bullying?
Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional and that involves an imbalance of power or strength. Typically, it is repeated over time. Bullying can take many forms, such as hitting and/or punching (physical bullying); teasing or name-calling (verbal bullying); intimidation using gestures or social exclusion (nonverbal bullying or emotional bullying); and sending insulting messages by phone or computer e-mail (cyberbullying). (People with disabilities may be at a higher risk of being bullied than others.) Many bullying targets, particularly boys and adolescents, do not tell their parents or adults at school about being bullied. It is important that adults are vigilant to possible signs of bullying.
Warning Signs
Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied:
- Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings;
- Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches;
- Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time;
- Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs);
- Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school;
- Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school;
- Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home;
- Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments;
- Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams;
- Experiences a loss of appetite; or
- Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem.
What to do if you suspect your daughter or son is being bullied?
If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.
Talk with your child. Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going.
DIRECT QUESTIONS:
- “I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?”
- “Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?”
- “Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?”
SUBTLE QUESTIONS:
- “Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?”
- “Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?”
- “Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?”
Talk with staff at your child’s school. Call or set up an appointment to talk with your child’s teacher. He or she will probably be in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and other peers at school. Share your concerns about your child and ask the teacher such questions as:
- “How does my child get along with other students in his or her class?”
- “With whom does he or she spend free time?”
- “Have you noticed or have you ever suspected that my child is bullied by other students?” Give examples of some ways that children can be bullied to be sure that the teacher is not focusing only on one kind of bullying (such as physical bullying).
If you are not comfortable talking with your child’s teacher, or if you are not satisfied with the conversation, make an appointment to meet with your child’s guidance counselor or principal to discuss your concerns.
If you obtain information from your child or from staff at your child’s school that leads you to believe that he or she is being bullied, take quick action. Bullying can have serious effects on children.
If, after talking with your child and staff at his or her school, you don’t suspect that your child is being bullied, stay vigilant to other possible problems that your child may be having. Some of the warning signs above (e.g., depression, social isolation, and loss of interest in school) may be signs of other serious problems. Share your concerns with a counselor at your child’s school.
References
Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. NY: Blackwell.
Olweus, D., Limber, S., & Mihalic, S. (1999). The Bullying Prevention Program: Blueprints for violence prevention. Boulder, CO: Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence.
Further resources for adults (and a PDF version of the information above) can be obtained from Stop Bullying Now > What Adults Can Do > How You Can Help > Prevention Tips & Resources
My Case Study to Illustrate Bullying Symptoms
(This case study is followed by a discussion of the latest research on bullying symptoms.)
In my experience ...
Parental Intervention Can Be the Wrong Response
On a fall day, when I was ten years old, I was beaten up by a 17-year-old boy and left hanging on a barbed wire fence. Later, at the emergency room, the doctor insisted I tell him who had beaten me.
Even at the young age of ten, I clearly understood that the village boys believed that “ratting” was a cardinal sin. Consequently, I refused to give the bully’s name to the doctor. This infuriated my mother. After I was bandaged and given a tetanus shot in my backside, the doctor, once again, insisted that I tell him the bully’s name. Faced with my mother’s anger and the doctor’s insistence, I cracked and coughed up the name. The next day my mother went straight to the bully’s family and demanded that he be severely punished. As part of the boy’s punishment, he had to put on a suit and come to our house to formally apologize to me.
The vengeful look in the bully’s glare when he came to our front door the next weekend confirmed what I already knew from the other boys at school—I had been branded the “school rat” and my bullying was about to get much worse.
My mother’s aggressive action in going directly to the bully’s parents and demanding a formal apology from the bully seemed to calm her outrage at my wounds. For my mother, taking decisive action and intervening with the bully’s parents made her feel like she was being a “good parent.”
My mother’s reality, however, was quite different from mine. Before I was publicly branded the school rat, I had been a minor target for bullying from a few boys. Once the school rumor mill picked up that I was the school rat, it was as if every boy had suddenly been given a powerful license to attack me. My shame at being branded the school rat made me accept the bullying. I believed I deserved to be bullied.
I understand that all loving parents naturally want to take immediate and decisive action to protect their child from being bullied. However, my personal experience suggests that parents need to react to the news that their child is being bullied in a cautious manner rather than a volatile one. I stress this because, in my case, my mother’s well-intentioned yet highly visible intervention backfired because it trumpeted to the village the fact that I had actually ratted on the bully—a point that was savagely made clear to me by several of the elder boys of the village the moment they first saw me after the ratting incident. Not only did these older boys give me a good thumping, but they made it abundantly clear to me that if I were to rat on any of them, “there would be hell to pay.”
How Fear Leads to the Isolation Trap
The fear of being attacked, combined with my own deep shame at being branded a rat, had the effect of psychologically forcing me to go “underground”. I no longer was willing to speak to my parents about my bullying problems. Without her realizing it, my mother’s good intentions had, in effect, psychologically forced me to become a voluntary silent prisoner to a peer group that operated just like the Mafia.
The double tragedy for me was that not only was my bullying world getting worse, but I also no longer trusted my mother’s judgment on issues of bullying. I found myself unable to ask my parents for desperately needed help. Without access to the parental lifeline, my world rapidly began spiraling downward to a place of fear, isolation and loneliness.
My bullying “Isolation Trap” got so bad that, on one occasion, I lied to my parents about the origin of some nasty cuts and bruises on my face, telling them that I had fallen off my bicycle while trying to avoid a german shepherd. I can still vividly recall the agony of trying to decide which was potentially worse: lying to people I loved deeply, or having them get mad at the bullies, thereby potentially worsening my already severe bullying.
Discussion of the Latest Research on Bullying Symptoms
I apologize for going into such length about my personal story but I am trying to illustrate how a young adult, even with attentive and loving friends and parents, can get trapped in a secret bullying world where he or she is both afraid, and too ashamed, to talk about his or her experiences to anyone.
If, for whatever reason, a young adult does get caught in this bullying “Isolation Trap,” I believe that it is vital that we all recognize that recent academic research is beginning to demonstrate that bullied individuals often display both physical and psychological symptoms of distress.
Talking with Shan Shan about her bullying experiences, it became clear that both of us suffered an unusual number of illnesses (colds, flu) during the worst of our bullying. In addition, we both remember having trouble sleeping. Shan Shan in particular recalls often feeling lethargic and hopeless. I recall months of serious nightmares. In numerous conversations with individuals who have been seriously bullied, I have repeatedly been told about symptoms such as loss of appetite, constant stomach-aches, migraine-like headaches, nausea, and a desperate desire to find excuses to avoid school.
In 2005, a multinational study funded by the World Health Organization (WHO) and managed by the European Public Health Association entitled “Bullying and Symptoms Among School-Aged Children: International Comparative Cross Sectional Study in 28 Countries” (European Journal of Public Health, Vol 15, No 2, pages 128-132) found that severe bullying causes targets of bullying to display clear physical and psychological symptoms of distress.
The physical symptoms identified by the study were: headache, stomach-ache, backache, and dizziness. The psychological symptoms identified were: bad temper, feeling nervous, feeling low, difficulties in getting to sleep, morning tiredness, feeling left out, loneliness, and helplessness. The researchers also found that because of the increasing role played by peer relationships, young adults are especially susceptible to the health effects of bullying.
The results of this important WHO study make it clear that if a young adult starts to complain of any of the following symptoms: headaches, stomach-aches, backaches, dizziness, bad temper, feeling nervous, feeling low, difficulties in getting to sleep, morning tiredness, feeling left out, loneliness, or helplessness, all friends, mentors and family members should ask themselves, “Is it possible that these symptoms are caused by bullying?” After careful investigation of these particular symptoms, one might be able to confidently rule out bullying as an issue, deciding, instead, that the symptoms were associated with other factors such as the pressure of exams, the break-up of a relationship, hormonal changes due to puberty, etc.
Community Awareness of Red Flags is the First Step
The critical point is that everyone should be aware that if a young adult displays certain symptoms, it is possible that these symptoms are actually “red flags” of severe bullying.
A community’s (friends, family, teachers, clergy, etc.) alertness to bullying symptoms could be the critical factor that saves a young adult. Knowing this, one of the important goals of The Surviving Bullies Project is to work with academics and physicians to develop a symptom-based early warning system that can help communities create a safer climate for all.
If you share our commitment to helping to develop an early warning system, would you please email us any insights or relevant experiences that you or someone you care about may have had. Our email address is:
Best regards,
Dickon Pownall-Gray
